In 1839 Wm. Miller visited Portland, Me., and gave a course of lectures on the second coming of Christ. This had a great effect upon me. I knew that I must be lost if Christ should come, and I be found as I then was. At times I was greatly distressed as to my situation. But it was hard for me to give entirely up to the Lord. I viewed it a great thing to be a christian, and feared that I never should be one if I professed religion, and remained some months suffering distress of mind.
(2SG 12.1)
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My parents were Methodists. I generally attended meeting with them; and at a camp-meeting held at Buxton, I resolved to give myself unreservedly to the Lord. I commenced there to seek the Lord with all my heart. My mind was in great distress; but at a prayer-meeting I found relief. O, how sweet was peace of mind. Everything seemed changed.
(2SG 12.2)
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I then felt no disposition to dress like the world, but wished to be plain in my dress, sober and watchful.
(2SG 12.3)
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When twelve years old, I wished to be immersed. The minister reluctantly consented to go into the water. He chose to sprinkle the candidates. It was a very windy day. The waves ran high, and dashed upon the shore; but my peace was like a river. When I arose out of the water, my strength was nearly gone, for the power of God rested upon me. Such a rich blessing I never experienced before. I felt dead to the world, and that my sins were all washed away.
(2SG 13.1)
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The same day a sister and myself were taken into the church. I felt happy, till I looked at the sister by my side, and saw gold rings on her fingers, and large gold ear-rings in her ears. Her bonnet was filled with artificial flowers, and was trimmed with costly ribbon, which was filled with bows upon her bonnet. My heart felt sad. I expected every moment that a reproof would come from the minister; but none came. He took us both into the church. My reflections were as follows: This is my sister; must I pattern after her? Must I dress like her? If it is right for her to dress so, it is right for me. I remembered what the Bible said about adorning the body. 1 Timothy 2:9, 10. For some time I was in deep trial, and finally concluded that if it was so sinful as I had thought it to be to dress like the world, those whom I looked up to as being devoted Christians, and older in experience than myself, would feel it, and would deal plainly with those who went thus contrary to God’s word. But I knew that I must be plain in my dress. I believed it to be wicked to think so much of appearance, to decorate our poor mortal bodies with flowers and gold. It seemed to me that we had better be humbling ourselves in the dust, for our sins and transgressions were so great that God gave his only beloved Son to die for us.
(2SG 13.2)
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I found it almost impossible to enjoy religion in a large female seminary, surrounded with so many influences calculated to lead the mind from God, and night would often find me in bondage. I did not attend school after I was twelve years old. And I did not feel satisfied with what I enjoyed. I longed to be sanctified to God. But sanctification was preached in such a manner that I could not understand it, and thought that I never could attain to it, and settled down with my present enjoyment.
(2SG 14.1)
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In 1841 Wm. Miller gave a second course of lectures in Portland, I attended them, and felt that I was not ready for Christ’s coming. And when the invitation was given for those who desired prayers to come forward, I pressed through the crowd, and in taking up this cross found some relief. I began to plead with God for pure religion. I believed the truths I heard Wm. Miller proclaim; but realized that a mere belief in the second coming of Christ would not save me. I must experience the soul-purifying effects of the truth, that when it was preached, it would find a response in my own heart. O, how I longed for a living experience in the things of God. I prayed earnestly for this. My soul was thirsting for full and free salvation, but I knew not how to obtain it.
(2SG 14.2)
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In 1842 I constantly attended the Second Advent meetings in Portland, and fully believed the Lord was coming. I was hungering and thirsting for holiness of heart; day and night it was my study how to obtain this treasure that all the riches of the world could not purchase. And while bowed before the Lord, praying for this blessing, the duty to pray in a prayer-meeting was presented before me. I had never prayed vocally, and was not humble enough to do this, fearing that if I should attempt to pray, I should become confused and be obliged to stop, or my prayer be very broken. Every time I went before the Lord in secret prayer this unfulfilled duty presented itself, until I ceased to pray, for in this state of mind my prayers seemed like mocking God. I settled down in a melancholy state which increased to deep despair.
(2SG 15.1)
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In this state of mind I remained three weeks, with not one ray of light to pierce the thick clouds of darkness around me. My sufferings were very great. How precious did the hope of the christian look to me then. And how wretched the state of the sinner without God or hope in the world. I remained bowed before the Lord nearly all night, groaning, and all I had any confidence to utter was, “Lord, have mercy.” Such utter hopelessness would seize me that I would fall upon my face with such agony of feelings as cannot be described. Like the poor publican, I dared not so much as lift my eyes toward heaven. I became much reduced in flesh. My friends looked upon me as one sinking in a decline. At length a dream was given me which sunk me still lower in despair, if possible.
(2SG 16.1)
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I dreamed that there was a temple to which many people were flocking, and all who would be saved when time should close must be within that temple. And all who were outside the temple would be lost. As I looked upon the people going to the temple, I saw the multitude laughing at and deriding them, telling them that it was all a deception. They even caught hold of some who were hastening to the temple and tried to hold them.
(2SG 16.2)
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I was afraid of being laughed at and ridiculed, and thought I would wait until the multitude were dispersed, or until I could go in some way that they would not know where I was going. My mind was troubled lest I should be too late, and the multitude was increasing instead of lessening. I hastily left my home and pressed through the crowd. I was in such haste that I did not notice the throng. I feared I was too late. I entered the building, and what a sight met my eyes! The temple was supported by one immense pillar, and to this pillar was a lamb tied, all mangled and bleeding. I thought that we all knew that it was our sins that caused this lamb to be thus torn and bruised. Just before this lamb were seats elevated above the level of the floor, and a company of people were sitting there looking very happy. All who entered the temple must come before the lamb and confess their sins, and then take their place among the happy throng who occupied the elevated seats. Even while in the building a fear came over me and shame to have them all looking upon me. I was slowly making my way around the pillar to face the lamb, when the trumpet sounded, and the building shook, and shouts of triumph went up from the saints in that building. The temple seemed to shine with awful brightness, and then all was dark, terrible dark. Those who had seemed so happy were gone, and I left alone in the place in complete darkness. The horror of my mind could not be described. I awoke, and it was some time before I could convince myself it was not a reality. Surely, thought I, my doom is fixed, I have slighted mercy, and grieved the Spirit of the Lord away, never more to return.
(2SG 17.1)
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In a short time I had another dream. I thought I was sitting in deep despair, with my face covered with my hands, with reflections like these: If Jesus were upon earth, I would go to him, and throw myself at his feet, and tell him all my sufferings. And if he would have mercy upon me, I would love him always—he would not turn me away. Soon the door opened, and a person of beautiful form and countenance entered. He looked upon me with pity. Said he, “Do you wish to see Jesus? He is in the place, and you can see him. Take everything that you possess and follow me.”
(2SG 18.1)
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Gladly did I gather up everything, every treasured trinket, and followed him who had given me the pleasing information. He led me to a steep, and it looked like a frail stairway. As I commenced to ascend the stairs, he gave me a word of caution, to keep my eyes fixed upwards, for if I looked down I should become dizzy and fall. Many seemed to be climbing up this steep stairway, and some fell before reaching the top. I succeeded in climbing to the top. Then my guide bid me lay everything at the door. Cheerfully I laid down all I possessed. He then opened the door and told me to go in. As I entered I saw Jesus, so lovely and beautiful. His countenance expressed benevolence and majesty. I tried to shield myself from his piercing gaze. I thought he knew my heart, and every circumstance of my life. I tried not to look upon his face, but still his eyes were upon me. I could not escape his gaze. He then, with a smile, drew near me, and laid his hand upon my head, saying, “Fear not.” The sound of his sweet voice, caused me to feel a thrill of happiness I never before experienced. I was too full of joy to utter a word. I grew weak, and fell prostrate at his feet. And while lying helpless, scenes of glory and beauty passed before me. I thought I was saved in heaven. At length my strength returned. I arose upon my feet. The loving eyes of Jesus were fixed upon me still, and he smiled upon me. His presence filled me with such holy awe that I could not endure it. My guide opened the door and I passed out. Then all things I had left at the door he handed me again. And he also handed me a green cord, coiled up, and he bid me wear it next my heart, and when I wished to see Jesus, to stretch this cord. I must not let it lie still any length of time; for if I should, it would become knotted and difficult to straighten. I placed the cord near my heart, and joyfully went down the narrow stairway, praising the Lord as I went, and telling all I met where they could find Jesus. I then awoke.
(2SG 18.2)
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This dream gave me a faint hope in my despair. That green cord represented faith. I then opened my mind to my mother. She advised me to go and see Bro. Stockman, who then preached to the Advent people in Portland. I had great confidence in him, for he was a devoted and beloved servant of Christ. His words affected me and led me to hope. I returned home, and again went before the Lord, and promised that I would do and suffer anything if I could have the smiles of Jesus. The same duty was presented. There was to be a prayer-meeting that evening which I attended, and when others knelt to pray, I bowed with them trembling, and after two or three had prayed, I opened my mouth in prayer before I was aware of it. And the promises of God looked to me like so many precious pearls that were to be received only by asking for them. As I prayed the burden and agony of soul that I had so long felt left me, and the blessing of God came upon me like the gentle dew, and I gave glory to God for what I felt. Everything was shut out from me but Jesus and glory, and I knew nothing of what was passing around me.
(2SG 20.1)
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I remained in this state a long time, and when I realized what was around me, everything looked glorious and new, as if smiling and praising God. I was then willing to confess Jesus everywhere, and seemed to be shut in with God. I went to the hall where the Advent people worshiped, and there related what the Lord had done for me, and with tears of gratitude declared the wondrous love of God. Bro. Stockman was present. He had recently seen me in deep despair, and as he now saw my captivity turned, he wept aloud, and rejoiced with me. I also related my experience in the Christian meeting house in Portland. The sacrifice that Christ had made to save me from sin and death, looked very great. I could not dwell upon it without weeping. I could then praise God for my misfortune. I was naturally proud and ambitious, and fear that I never should have given my heart to the Lord if I had not been afflicted. For six months not a cloud of darkness passed over my mind.
(2SG 20.2)
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My brother Robert and myself still attended the Methodist class-meeting. One evening the presiding elder was present. And, filled with the love of God, I related what he had done for me, that I had at last found the blessing I had so long sought for—entire conformity to the will of God. I rejoiced in the soon coming of Jesus. I expected they would rejoice with me, but was disappointed. After I ceased speaking Elder B. asked me if it would not be more pleasant to live a long life of holiness here, and do others good, than to have Jesus come and destroy poor sinners. I told him I longed for Jesus to come. Then sin would have an end, and we should enjoy sanctification forever where there would be no tempting Devil to lead our steps astray.
(2SG 21.1)
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Then he asked me if I would not rather die easy on a bed, than to pass through the pain of being changed from mortal to immortality. I answered that I wished Jesus to come and save his children; and that I was willing to live or die; that I could endure all the pain that could be borne in a moment in the twinkling of an eye; and that I desired the wheels of time to roll swiftly round, and bring the welcome day, when these vile bodies should be changed, and fashioned like unto Christ’s glorious body. I also stated that when I lived nearest to the Lord, the more earnestly did I long for his appearing. Some in the class-meeting seemed to be greatly displeased.
(2SG 22.1)
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Once more I attended class-meeting, and was happy in the love of God, and wished to bear my testimony among them. I told them again what Jesus had done for me, through the belief of the near coming of the Son of God. The class-leader interrupted me, saying, “Through Methodism!” But I could not give the glory to Methodism, when it was Christ and the hope of his soon coming, that made me free. I finished my testimony, the last I was ever to bear among the Methodists, and sat down. I was convinced that I must give up my belief in the soon coming of my Lord, or should have no freedom in class-meeting, or among the Methodists; for my feelings would be wounded, and their ire would be kindled against me, if I talked out what the Spirit of the Lord wrought in me.
(2SG 22.2)
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Soon the minister visited my father’s family. The entire family were interested in the doctrine of the Lord’s coming. The minister wished us to withdraw from the church, as that would save a church trial. My parents told him they wished to know the reason of this request. He said that we had been walking contrary to their rules, and that they had rather we would withdraw, than to have the sound go out that they had turned us out. We preferred a trial, that we might know what sin we had committed. We were not conscious of any wrong, unless it was a sin to be looking for, and loving the appearing of, our Saviour.
(2SG 23.1)
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Our family were notified of the church-meeting, and we met in the vestry of the meeting-house. The only charge brought against us was that we had walked contrary to their rules. It was asked, “What rules have we violated?” After a little hesitation it was stated that we had absented ourselves from the class-meeting, and had attended other meetings, and they considered that we had violated their rules.
(2SG 23.2)
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They were reminded of some who were retained in the church, who had not attended class meeting for more than a year, and a portion of our family had been in the country, and none who had remained in the city had absented themselves but a few weeks, and they were compelled to remain away because they could not talk out the sentiments of their heart. If they mentioned the coming of their Saviour, or their love for his appearing, there was a hard pressing spirit against them, and such displeasure manifested that there was a plain division of feeling, and we knew if they loved Jesus they would love to hear of his coming. It was asked us whether we would agree to conform to their rules, and confess that we had walked contrary to them. We answered that we would confess that after the manner which they call heresy, so would we worship the God of our fathers. We dared not yield our faith. With free spirits, happy in the love of God, we left the vestry of the Methodist meeting-house. We had the assurance that God was on our side, who was more than all they that were against us.
(2SG 24.1)
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At the commencement of their love-feast, Elder B. read off our names, seven in number, and wished it understood that it was not for immoral conduct that we were turned out, but for a breach of their rules. He also stated that a door was now open, and all who should walk contrary to their rules would share the same fate. They had made a beginning, and should follow it up. There were others in the Methodist church who were looking for the appearing of the Saviour. They wished to hold these persons among them by frightening them. They succeeded in a few instances, and some sold their favor with God for a place in the Methodist church. Many believed, but dared not confess their faith for fear of being turned out of the synagogue. They loved the praise of men more than the favor of God. Some afterwards left them and joined those who were loving the appearing of Jesus. We were all pushed out of the church because we believed and talked the near coming of our Saviour. At this time the words of the prophet were exceedingly precious: “Your brethren that hated you, that cast you out for my name’s sake, said, Let the Lord be glorified; but he shall appear to your joy, and they shall be ashamed.” Isaiah 66:5.
(2SG 25.1)
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For six months not a cloud intervened between me and my Saviour. Whenever there was a proper opportunity I bore my testimony in meeting, and was greatly blessed. At times the Spirit of the Lord rested upon me in such power that my strength was taken away. This was a trial to some of those who had come out from the formal churches, and often words were spoken meant for my ear, which grieved me. They did not believe that any one could be so filled with the Spirit of the Lord as to lose their strength. I began to fear. I reasoned thus: Am I not justified in holding my peace in meeting, and restraining my feelings, when my testimony causes such opposition, even in meeting, and in the hearts of some of those older in experience, and in years, than myself? I thought I would be just as faithful in living out my religion, and not bear my testimony. I often felt pressed by the Spirit of God to speak in meeting; but did not, and was sensible that the Spirit of God was grieved. I even kept away from meeting where some of those attended who were annoyed by my testimony. I withheld my testimony for fear of offending my brethren, and that uninterrupted communion with God which I had enjoyed for months was broken, and I have not since, for so long a time, been perfectly free in the Lord.
(2SG 26.1)
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But soon one of the family which had been most forward in opposing me, while praying fell prostrate like one dead. His friends feared he was dying; but while they stood weeping over him, rubbing his hands, and using means for his restoration, he gained strength to praise God, and shout with a voice of triumph. He was unable to return home that night. While attending an evening meeting I was much blessed, and again lost my strength. Another of the family mentioned, said he had no faith that it was the Spirit of God that was upon me. He selected one who was considered a man of God, a devoted humble Christian, and said, “If this is genuine, why does it not come upon Bro. R., and he lose his strength?” Bro. R. was immediately prostrated, and as soon as he could give utterance to his feelings, declared that it was of God.
(2SG 27.1)
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All had believed me honest, but thought I could command my feelings, and not suffer my strength to be taken away. The brother who opposed me was brought to see that he was fighting against God. While in a prayer-meeting, the blessing of the Lord rested upon him, and his countenance seemed to shine with the glory of God, and he fell prostrate to the floor. When he recovered strength he confessed he had done wrong in opposing me. Not long after this, while the same family were engaged in prayer, the Spirit of the Lord rested upon them. I had the particulars from my father who happened in at that time. He said there was scarcely one to help another. They were prostrated by the power of God, while calling upon his name. Cold formality began to melt, and then they regretted that they had opposed me, and confessed their error.
(2SG 27.2)
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In 1843, I felt like consecrating myself daily to the Lord, and preparing for his coming. But the time of expectation passed, and we were still in this dark world, and the scoffer was bold in scoffing, and in his hard speeches against us. Some who joined the ranks through fear, left us and united with the scoffer. But we still looked for, and loved the appearing of, our Saviour. Again our minds were called to 1844, as the time for the appearing of our Lord. We hailed every evidence in favor of his coming with joy. My experience was like most of God’s people at that time. I felt for others who seemed to be held in darkness and despair, and often united with individuals in earnest prayer for their deliverance, and rejoiced with them when they were made free.
(2SG 28.1)
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With great carefulness we came up to the time of expectation. If clouds shadowed our minds, we could not rest until the darkness was removed. We frequently went to the orchards and groves, and sent up our earnest cries to God, “Restore unto us the joys of thy salvation.” We would not cease pleading with the Lord until he revealed himself unto us, and we could rejoice in the sweet assurance of his love. I knew that I must walk tremblingly and carefully before God. Heaven and its sweet joys were my meditation day and night. I loved Jesus, and the sound of his dear name enraptured me.
(2SG 28.2)
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My lungs were diseased, and my voice failed me. The Spirit of the Lord often rested upon me in great measure. My frail body could not endure the weight of glory which the mind grasped and feasted upon, and my strength was frequently gone. The name of Jesus, lovely Jesus, was exalted before me. I seemed to dwell in a heavenly atmosphere. I expected Jesus to come and make me immortal, when I could endure to drink in the light of his countenance, and ever feast upon his glory, and praise him in perfect strains.
(2SG 29.1)
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We waited with earnest desire for the appearing of Jesus, but the time of expectation again passed, and we were still in this mortal state, and the effects of the curse all around us. Our disappointment was bitter; but we did not faint. A strong arm bore us up. Some expressed their lack of faith as follows:—“You need have no more fears; the time has passed, the Lord will not come for years.” The passing of the time tested and shook off such. But we believed that in his own good time he would come; that we must first be proved, be purified, made white, and tried, and then he would redeem his faithful, trusting ones.
(2SG 29.2)
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My health failed rapidly. I could only talk in a whisper, or broken tone of voice. One physician said my disease was dropsical consumption; that my right lung was gone, and my left affected. He thought I could not live long, might die very suddenly. It was very difficult for me to breathe lying down, and nights was bolstered almost in a sitting posture, and would often awake with my mouth full of blood.
(2SG 30.1)
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About this time I visited sister H., one of our Advent sisters, whose heart was knit with mine. In the morning we bowed at the family altar. It was not an exciting occasion. There were but five of us present, all females. While praying, the power of God came upon me as I never had felt it before. I was surrounded with light, and was rising higher and higher from the earth. I turned to look for the Advent people in the world, but could not find them—when a voice said to me, “Look again, and look a little higher.” At this I raised my eyes and saw a straight and narrow path, cast up high above the world. On this path the Advent people were traveling to the city, which was at the further end of the path. They had a bright light set up behind them at the first end of the path, which an angel told me was the Midnight Cry. This shone all along the path, and gave light for their feet that they might not stumble. And if they kept their eyes fixed on Jesus, who was just before them, leading them to the city, they were safe. But soon some grew weary, and they said the city was a great way off, and they expected to have entered it before. Then Jesus would encourage them by raising his glorious right arm, and from his arm came a bright light which waved over the Advent people, and they shouted, Hallelujah! Others rashly denied the light behind them, and said that it was not God that had led them out so far. The light behind them went out, leaving their feet in perfect darkness, and they stumbled and got their eyes off the mark, and lost sight of Jesus, and fell off the path down into the dark and wicked world below. Soon we heard the voice of God like many waters, which gave us the day and hour of Jesus’ coming. The living saints knew and understood the voice, while the wicked thought it was thunder and an earthquake. When God spake the time, he poured on us the Holy Spirit, and our faces began to light up and shine with the glory of God as Moses’ did when he came down from mount Sinai.
(2SG 30.2)
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